How to: Exercise After Popping Out A Child.

I’ve realized over the years that cardiovascular activity just isn’t for me. Sure, I played soccer and field hockey and I could run if I had to. But it’s just so boring. I’m running, for no reason, with no direction, just for the sake of running. And if I’m at a track, I’m literally running in circles. I’ll pass, thank you.

I know some people claim that it makes them happier because of endorphins and they can clear their mind, whatever, whatever. Not enough incentive to run. Just not gonna happen.

I will say, however, that I’ve found a few ways to burn calories that don’t involve deliberate physical exertion. I’ve found that, ultimately, being a ridiculous human being can help you get into shape. Here are a few things that you can do to force yourself into physical activity:

Play with a baby. And I don’t mean watch a baby play. Get down on the floor with her. Eventually, she will cry, and you’ll have to pick her up and then stand up yourself. You’d be surprised how much this gets the abs going.

Once you are up, throw her up in the air a couple times. If she feels heavy, don’t let go. Just zoom her around the house a little, and you’ve worked your tri’s and bi’s.

Breastfeed. And only if it’s your baby. (Really people, let’s not let things get out of hand.) I read that feeding a baby burns an average of 500 calories a day!

In related news, I’ve recently discovered that there is a huge black market for breast milk. Personally, I wouldn’t trust someone else’s bodily secretions (too far?), but I am ready and willing to make some money off of mine- and burn some extra calories while I’m at it.

Forget everything. And I mean everything. When you leave the house for a walk (with the kids, dog, significant other, friend, what have you), leave something behind that you desperately need. Like a binky, plastic bags for your dog’s poo, the leash for your husband (gotta keep him on a tight one these days).

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to turn back after walking two and a half blocks or so. Most of the time I forget the thing that caused me to take the walk in the first place, like the dirty dry cleaning or bills that need mailing. So really, I’m forcing myself to walk five extra blocks when all is said and done. Yay,exercise.

Lock yourself out of the house (with the baby). I’ve only done this once, but I really got some exercise in. I walked to the Husband’s building, which was actually pretty pleasant. It took me about 25 minutes, so it wasn’t so bad.

On the way back, however, it began to rain. I stepped up my pace to just a stride below running, and I really thought I was going to die by the time I got home. Man did I feel that one the next day.

Put the nursery upstairs. Who needs a StairMaster when they have a crying baby? I average about six baby- related trips up and down the stairs each day. If you can also convince yourself to rely on your upstairs bathroom, there's another six or so (don't thank me, thank Mother Nature for that one). Exhilarating, I tell you.

So there they are. My very best ways to lose baby weight without actually thinking about it. I know, I know, you’re welcome.

And for your viewing pleasure, here are some babies in action: