How to: Exercise After Popping Out A Child.

I’ve realized over the years that cardiovascular activity just isn’t for me. Sure, I played soccer and field hockey and I could run if I had to. But it’s just so boring. I’m running, for no reason, with no direction, just for the sake of running. And if I’m at a track, I’m literally running in circles. I’ll pass, thank you.

I know some people claim that it makes them happier because of endorphins and they can clear their mind, whatever, whatever. Not enough incentive to run. Just not gonna happen.

I will say, however, that I’ve found a few ways to burn calories that don’t involve deliberate physical exertion. I’ve found that, ultimately, being a ridiculous human being can help you get into shape. Here are a few things that you can do to force yourself into physical activity:

Play with a baby. And I don’t mean watch a baby play. Get down on the floor with her. Eventually, she will cry, and you’ll have to pick her up and then stand up yourself. You’d be surprised how much this gets the abs going.

Once you are up, throw her up in the air a couple times. If she feels heavy, don’t let go. Just zoom her around the house a little, and you’ve worked your tri’s and bi’s.

Breastfeed. And only if it’s your baby. (Really people, let’s not let things get out of hand.) I read that feeding a baby burns an average of 500 calories a day!

In related news, I’ve recently discovered that there is a huge black market for breast milk. Personally, I wouldn’t trust someone else’s bodily secretions (too far?), but I am ready and willing to make some money off of mine- and burn some extra calories while I’m at it.

Forget everything. And I mean everything. When you leave the house for a walk (with the kids, dog, significant other, friend, what have you), leave something behind that you desperately need. Like a binky, plastic bags for your dog’s poo, the leash for your husband (gotta keep him on a tight one these days).

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to turn back after walking two and a half blocks or so. Most of the time I forget the thing that caused me to take the walk in the first place, like the dirty dry cleaning or bills that need mailing. So really, I’m forcing myself to walk five extra blocks when all is said and done. Yay,exercise.

Lock yourself out of the house (with the baby). I’ve only done this once, but I really got some exercise in. I walked to the Husband’s building, which was actually pretty pleasant. It took me about 25 minutes, so it wasn’t so bad.

On the way back, however, it began to rain. I stepped up my pace to just a stride below running, and I really thought I was going to die by the time I got home. Man did I feel that one the next day.

Put the nursery upstairs. Who needs a StairMaster when they have a crying baby? I average about six baby- related trips up and down the stairs each day. If you can also convince yourself to rely on your upstairs bathroom, there's another six or so (don't thank me, thank Mother Nature for that one). Exhilarating, I tell you.

So there they are. My very best ways to lose baby weight without actually thinking about it. I know, I know, you’re welcome.

And for your viewing pleasure, here are some babies in action:

Baby Hands

Baby parts are most likely the cutest things that God created. Except maybe those really little monkeys I just saw on National Geographic channel. They are so little and cute! I want one for a pet so I can carry her around in my pocket and take her out to do tricks for family and friends! But I digress.

I never really understood what was going through the minds of people that remark, “I just want to EAT her!” until I had a baby of my own. I really do understand the sentiment. I just want to nibble her little baby fingers off one by one and then start gnawing up her arm. If I’m not amply conveying sarcasm here, I still think it’s borderline sick to say that you want to eat any part of a child.

Which (somehow) brings me to baby hands. I can’t get enough of how cute Jane’s hands are. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught her with her hands clasped together, and for some reason it seems so unnatural for a baby to be able to do that. It’s one of the many scenes that will lead me to follow her every movement with the camera for twenty minutes. Gotta love the Parent Paparazzi.

I learned really quickly that baby hands are cute to look at, but are lethal weapons when the baby is within an arm’s reach of your body. When Jane was born, she had one pinky nail that was an inch long! Okay, maybe not an inch, but it was pretty spectacular. So right away I began to learn the pain and sadness that come with baby fingernails.

Though baby nails are paper thin, they are like shards of glass. And babies don’t understand that clutching onto skin HURTS. Jane got me so often with her little daggers in the first week. I had scratches all over my neck and chest and I had to put mittens over her hands to preserve my fragile visage. Then she started on her OWN face. The damage that was done under her eyes and jaw line made me feel like an unfit parent.

Another baby body part that needs to be mentioned is the baby bottom. Yet another baby body part that is really cute until you get too close one time. Hah, just kidding. But really.